Continuous Watch
by Lady Nightspike
Summary: Captain Sawyer is punishing Horatio by setting him on continuous watch. But Horatio keeps falling asleep! It is up to Archie to save the day. HH crackfic, will explore alternate possibilities...this part is slightly slashy! You've been warned!
1. Prologue: The Challenge

**A/N**-Horatio Hornblower crack! Admittedly some parts are more crack-y than others. But honestly, this is just for fun, I promise.

* * *

He had lost count.

_He had lost count!!_

Horatio had learned how to count when he was very young. Now, standing—perhaps reeling slightly from sleep deprivation—on the deck of the _Renown, _a ship which he felt secretly loathed him, he demonstrated his perfected ability. "One, two, four…" the four made him feel slightly seasick. He leaned over the side.

Nothing happened, thankfully, to the poor ship. If said ship could have shouted "Whoohoo!!" or "Alleluia!", she would have. Horatio had a rather nervous stomach and the waves of the sea had quite a grudge. And sometimes, though it is absolutely dreadful to admit, sometimes the vomit missed its target…

"Twenty…six?" His counting had reached its drunken climax. (For Horatio's sake, we will merely pretend that he meant to leave out the numbers three, seventeen, and twenty-two). "No! That means I have another…eleven hours!"

"Horatio, are you daft?" With his hair gloriously arrayed, Lieutenant Archie Kennedy looked smart. Much smarter than Horatio who was (gasp!) beginning to have quite the racoon's eyes. "You've been on watch for _twenty-four_ hours and you have _twelve_ left."

Archie thought he had heard some mumbled swear words pass through Horatio's godly lips, but he dismissed them. The man had a right after all. Archie was beginning to suspect that Captain Sawyer was a lunatic who had earned a distinguished service record via his sheer dominatrix-esque tyranny. Okay, so it was more likely that Captain Sawyer was getting a bit old, that he had seen and done too much, and that he was no longer fit to command a ship. But Archie liked thinking of Captain Sawyer as an irrepressible demon or a volatile fury merely pretending to be an old man.

To his horror, he noted that Horatio had fallen asleep while standing up. While a part of him did think that that was bloody talented, another part was screaming to wake him up. Part of Captain Sawyer's demon heritage was his uncanny ability to know exactly when he was being disobeyed and how. Thankfully, he had not turned his demonic eyes upon Archie yet—Archie was, as always, only second best. His slow torturous descent into submission would occur only after Lt Hornblower was completely broken.

So Archie's best line of defense—as well as his only way to save his friend—was to keep Horatio awake by any means necessary. As he stood there beside his totally-not-sleeping friend, he wondered what, exactly, 'any means necessary' would entail…


	2. Method One: Fear

In case you haven't figured it out, I do not own Hornblower...which is probably, all in all, a good thing.

As terrible as this is, I cracked up like crazy imagining Archie screaming like a Wookie. I hope you do too.

* * *

Continuous Watch

_Method One: Fear, Affectionately Known As Styles' Face_

Now, Archie Kennedy had some serious thinking to do. Fluffing his perfectly-styled hair, he plotted Horatio's non-demise with an evil smirk on his face. "Hmm," he said to himself. "I think that fear would be a perfectly admissible reason to continue staying awake."

He could do it! He would just jump up and scare Horatio everytime he felt that Horatio was starting to fall asleep. He could try it now, on the haplessly sleeping Horatio! Hmm.

"RAAAAH!" Archie screamed, delibrately getting in Horatio's face and opening his eyes really wide so that he would look demonically twisted, kind of like Captain Sawyer's younger (and much more attractive) brother. Horatio, however, did not even stir.

Archie decided that, in such a case, perhaps he needed more momentum. Crossing to the opposite side of the deck, he charged full speed at Horatio's still-sleeping form yelling, "GRRARRWARARAWWAAAGHHH!!"

Two things happened. First, Archie nearly ran over the side of the ship (whoopsie!) and had to flail with his legs until he plopped onto the deck. Second, Captain Sawyer himself popped onto the deck and shouted, "WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS, LIEUTENANTS KENNEDY AND HORNBLOWER?"

Archie was dead. He didn't even bother getting to his feet. From his tilted position he could see that he had woken up everyone on the ship and they were starting to appear on deck like dazed mushrooms. Thus, there was silence.

More silence.

A pin dropped somewhere in California.

Somewhere in hell, Jack Simpson grinned evilly.

Captain Sawyer used his patented Demonic Menacing Advance and asked again, very quietly, "I ask again, Lieutenants Kennedy and—"

"Sir, sorry sir!" Archie was amazed. Horatio had woken up for that but not for all the shouting? Moreover, he seemed more awake than he had in hours. "I thought I had detected a stowaway, and Lieutenant Kennedy thought so as well, so he charged me most bravely, preparing to risk his life. My deepest apologies, captain, sir."

"Mine as well, Captain Sawyer!" Archie scrambled to his feet and saluted so much that his arm got tired.

The dragon narrowed its eyes. But it was appeased for now. "Well, cease your racket, Lieutenants. I'm sure the men are very sleepy…"

Was that a taunt? _Was that a taunt?! _Archie seethed in anger on Horatio's behalf until the dragon turned its terrifying gaze on him. "I'm sure you are very sleepy as well. Why don't you retire to the officer's quarters for a few hours."

AAH! He was so…evil!! "Yes, captain," he answered meekly.

In his cabin, he looked soul-searchingly into the mirror that hung at face-level. "Damn, my hair looks good," he commented. Then, realizing he was there for serious business, he got down to it. The face that stared back, its pale skin currently bathed in moonlight, was seriously hot. But, it was versatile. It could be adorable, cuddly, pouting, handsome (both devilishly and rougishly—let's see Horatio outdo that!) and mock-serious. But it had failed at being scary! He scrunched up his face in an approximation of his 'scare Horatio' visage. No, he just looked like a cute, slightly aggressive puppy. Tears filled his beautiful blue eyes as he contemplated the situation. Was he just not good enough? Would he never be able to scare Horatio? Archie figured he only had a couple hours before Horatio was back at the level of 'seriously sleepy'. What could he do (short of drastically disfiguring his own face!)??

As he posed this multiple-question-marked question to himself, his thoughts wandered to the Very Unfortunate Visage of Styles! Styles surely had a lot of sympathy for Horatio, and would want to aid him on his quest to keep Horatio awake. Moreover, Styles' board-plank teeth and droopy eyes were pretty much the opposite of charming…Archie had once had a nightmare that he was forced to swap bodies with Styles—he had woken up screaming and trying to claw his own (hideous) eyes out. Seriously, the guy had probably let his face be bitten by rats because it was the closest he'd ever gotten to being kissed! Come to think of it, Matthews could probably help too. That man was seriously sporting a goblin-chic sort of face.

Having figured out this remarkable plan to cover up his own inadequacies, Archie scurried down belowdecks as eagerly as a rat biting on Styles. Thankfully, since the commotion had woken up the men, many of them seemed to have resigned themselves to staying awake rather than sleeping for the scant two hours that remained. He found Matthews and Styles almost immediately.

Now Archie was assuming that Captain Sawyer, already having had a Close Shave with Horatio, would not surface for a couple hours—and hopefully that Horatio, having been roused from his comatose slumber, would not relapse. But still, the timing was very important. Captain Sawyer would likely be around all day trying to catch Horatio asleep so that he could gleefully hang him.

Thus Archie had decided to be in a hurry. "Styles! Matthews!" The two men in question looked up from whatever it was that they 'occupied' their time with. Archie was sure it was rather dull and nothing like the grooming of his smart, smart hair and the continual work of the smart, smart brain underneath it. "I need your help!"

"Is there," asked Matthews, scratching his head, "an emergency, sir?"

"We have to save Horatio!" Archie answered, looking as hyper as a six-year-old. A very dignified, handsome six-year-old, mind you, not one of those fussy children that were forced to wear frilly, girly clothes. Although Archie did have some fond memories of a certain time on Drury Lane…

"Eh?" asked Styles, contributing the vast power of his brilliant wit to the conversation. "What can we do?"

"Well," said Archie, about to impress the men with his cleverness, "I thought that we could scare Horatio into staying awake, and, well, you know, I don't think I'm scary enough, so I immediately thought of you…" Had Archie been paying ANY attention at all to Styles' infamous Ugly Face, he would have been quite scared at the moment. Unfortunately, Archie was blinded by his own Incredible Plan. "I mean, you're bound to scare Horatio! So I thought that you could, you know, go up every couple of hours and shock him in staying…"

Styles, _extremely_ angry, lifted his arm and punched Archie out before he could say, 'awake'.

"Now what did ya do that for?" Matthews berated him. "He was just tryin' ta help!"

Styles grimaced at Matthews, who got the hint. "Let's put him back in his cabin, then, shall we? Can't have the captain fussin' about and findin' him down here. We'll just tell him that Archie got in an accident aboveboard." He paused, considering. "But you know, it's not a bad idea to make sure Horatio is awake for a bit. Let's go up and harry him with some lewd songs."

When Archie awoke, two full hours later, he realized that perhaps he had been _slightly_ tactless in his treatment of Styles'…"attractively-challenged visage". To his horror, the mirror revealed a monstrous black eye that seemed to engulf the rest of his face. Scared at how much time had presumably passed, Archie decided to sacrifice his reputation for Horatio's sake. Rushing on deck, he found Horatio as he had before, asleep standing up. He surveyed the situation and huffed exasperatedly, wondering what in the world he could do now to wake Hor…

"AAH!" Horatio was immediately at attention. "No, please, no demons! I—Archie? What the hell have you done to yourself?"

Archie grinned. Perhaps he should thank Styles, after all.


	3. Method 2: Medicine, or the Miracle Drug

It's been a freakishly long time, I know, but this is what you wanted, so...you get it! (Yeah, can you tell I'm procrastinating)?

I don't own HH. AND...there are some slashy bits and definite adult situations going on (such as caffeine use xD) so, you're warned! Please let me know if you want me to continue, it took forever yes, but I never would have done it without you. :-)

* * *

Continuous Watch

_Method Two: Medicine, or the Miracle Drug_

Forget about maths and Greek with all those weird squiggly symbols and how to do ridiculous things like build bridges or plot accurate ship's courses—Archie was a pure, Shakespearean genius with hair that turned pretty colors when hit by the light. He would save Horatio with the skills of MacGyver and the brains of Albert Einstein (relativity Einstein, that is, not deliquent Einstein). Although his hair was not conforming well to the 'mad-scientist' look that he had adopted to get into character, he did occasionally glance down to admire his half-exposed chest area (very manly, he assured himself) and his wild 'dressed in the dark' ensemble. Archie knew in his heart that he was at least as good as Newton, and stood a far better chance than the famous scientist had ever had of attracting a willing female companion.

Archie's current dabblings in alchemy had revealed to him the secret formula of the ages, something which scientists of our time have since deemed an early, legendary predecessor to Red Bull…a sort of Holy Grail of energy drinks. He had known better than to ask Doctor Clive 'the Sedative King' for help, but he had discreetly made it known that he was preparing a tonic to save Horatio's life. After brewing a pot of extra-strong coffee as a base, Styles and Matthews had come by with an herb that was meant to 'energize a man in his time of need' that Styles had bought the last time they had been in port from a Jamaican witch doctor with two teeth. This was definitely Horatio's time of need, so Archie had brewed the entire herb in boiling water and added it to the coffee rather than just 'a pinch' as had been recommended. Archie had also added his share of the ship's honey, some cane sugar, and a piece of rock candy Mr. Wellard had bought that must have assuaged his fragile manhood. Archie was using that last one as the stirrer for his wonder drug. He had, at last, thrown in some cinnamon just in case it tasted horrible. But, as Archie lifted a spoon and tenderly received the drink with his lips, he found it tasted excellent. He grinned, pumping his fist into the air. Horatio was about to get the surprise of his life!

He decided to give Horatio a clean half and save the rest for when Horatio appeared to be wilting once again. "Oi! Horatio!" The poor man was already half-asleep. "I've got something that'll help you?"

"Help…me?" Horatio mumbled. Archie grinned. The 'little prettyboy orphan' look was working out great on him! Plus, those circles under his eyes added just the right bit of desperation. "Wait, Archie, what on earth are you wearing?"

Archie grinned and ran a hand through his hair, "Obviously you've never seen a genius before, eh?" On second thought, Horatio was supposed to be pretty smart. And even at 'orphan boy-chic' stage, he looked very—organized. Well-dressed, even. Sharp, even. And quite stunning hair.

A moment of tortured silence on Archie's part was in fact a moment of puzzled analysis for Horatio. Then, at once, the two men said, "What's that mean?" Sliding his eyes right and left, Archie concluded it didn't matter.

"I've brought you a tonic!" he hissed. "It's fair near alchemy, it is! And…it will help you stay awake!"

Horatio looked dubiously at the brown goop. "That looks terrible, Archie, worse than anything in Clive's cabinet."

"But it works!" Archie insisted. How dare Horatio doubt his smartness-ness? "I've tested it myself! And it tastes pretty good too!" He looked around frantically, suddenly worried that they had attracted Sawyer's attention. "Look," he argued, "you've got another bloody twelve hours of watch and you're never going to get through them alone! I mean, I literally had to bowl you over to wake you! And, I'd rather see you drink this now than hang later, believe me."

Horatio surveyed Archie, starting at his mismatched shoes, leading all the way up to that absolutely repulsive hair. He dropped his gaze to the drink in Archie's hand. Clearly, Archie had worked hard to concoct…something…that might help him. And at this point, he would take anything. "Fine then," he acquiesced, taking the drink from Archie's hand. "Right."

It tasted absolutely wonderful. Archie, grinning, clapped him on the back, then cursed loudly as a demonic voice came from across the deck, "I surely hope you are performing your duties, Lieutenant Hornblower." Snatching the cup from Horatio's trembling hands, Archie ran for it before those evil eyes could be fixed upon him.

(_Four hours later_)

Having successfully cleaned up evidence of his genius (including the disastrous uniform) Archie felt that it was time to check up on Horatio. What if the poor chap was flagging? Pocketing the second dose in case it was needed, he went up abovedecks to find Horatio, curiously, standing rather furtively, pressed up against the side of the deck.

"Horatio!" Archie hissed. "What if Captain Sawyer sees you!"

"Oh…hi Archie!" Horatio said so brightly that Archie could just about hear the smile. "Howahya?"

After some thought, Archie concluded that this was a ritual phrase to check on the status of a person. "I'm well Horatio, and you?"

"Ohi'mdoinggreat!" Horatio said, grinning to the wall.

"Horatio!" Archie was seriously worried now. "Are you okay? Do you need anything? Why are you watching the wood paneling of the deck, rather than the actual deck?"

Horatio let out a high-pitched squealing sound, the likes of which Archie hadn't heard since that one time that he had kicked a mugger in the balls back in Town. "Well…" Horatio said, much more slowly.

"Horatio! Will you look at me!" Archie was beginning to feel a bit despondent. Was Horatio that untrusting of his sure fashion, just because of that _one time_ (nevermind that that _one time_ had been a mere four hours ago).

"I'm sorry, Archie, but I really can't."

Letting out a wail that was almost as high-pitched as Horatio's had been, Archie grabbed him by the shoulder and turned him around…

Oh.

It was…touching him.

He backed away very slowly. Horatio was as red as the moon. And by the moon, Archie meant—oh fuck. He couldn't think straight except for that one little part of him that was _thisfuckingglad_ he hadn't tested the energy potion.

In the tone that one might use when describing the loss of a loved one, Horatio said, "It's been _four hours_, Archie."

Turning as red as the moon, Archie whispered, "Have you tried…uhh"

"Yes! Everything!" Horatio said, disgusted. "But I can't…"

Archie had made the mistake of looking at it again. It twitched. "AHH!" Archie said. "Uhh I mean, uhh…"

"Lieutenant Hornblower! What is the meaning of this racket?!"

Archie, unwillingly but instinctively, stepped forward to shield his friend from the horrors that awaited them. "It's nothing sir," he attempted. "I was just helping Horatio with a spot on his hat, Probably picked it up from standing watch for so long, sir." He shuddered nervously. Being this close to Sawyer always brought an involuntary wave of repulsion.

"Is this correct, Lieutenant Hornblower?"

Horatio's voice was strained. "Ah! Yes, yes sir." The look in his eyes was strange, Archie noted. Like a desperate man who was going to hang…oh wait.

After a long, tense moment, Sawyer said, "Carry on then. And, Lieutenant Hornblower, your sloppiness is appalling. When another man has to correct you on your appearance, you should think long and hard"…(Archie stifled a hysterical laugh) "about your habits."

Archie breathed a sigh of relief. Before he could leave Horatio to his problem, Horatio put one hand on his chest. His heart thudded. What was he doing? "Archie," Horatio said, drilling holes in Archie's eyes. Very softly. "Don't…_ever_…give me medicine…_again_."

Panting, gasping, Archie ran away at full speed.

* * *

Yessssss! I was unsure of where to end it...but I thought this might be a good lead-in/taste of another of the methods...teehee?


End file.
